Just Another Day

Inspired by True Events

First things first, have to hit that liquor store. You will probably have no idea what day it is as they tend to blend together at this point, but there are two things you are sure of. One, the hangover already decided that you will not be attending class today. Two, whether it’s a Monday or a Thursday its going to be a long one and the only way out is to pick up from where you left off, GET SHITFACED.

Fast forward to later that day. You probably won’t remember most of what happened anyway. Assume that you and your roommates possibly took a trip downtown. One of which probably told a girl he couldn’t shake her hand because he’s been licking his all day. You and your friends probably drank a few beers in public areas and blatantly discarded them for people to see along with yelling at girls about how great their boobs look in the dress they’re wearing. Somehow you got to where you are now. You and your roommates decided to throw a party and sent out a few hundred if not thousand invites. Excessive? Shut the fuck up and listen. You may only have a dorm room but break down facebook like this. People who say no mean fuck you and there will be a lot of them. People who say maybe mean they still want to be friends, but fuck you. People who say yes are on the fence and likely still 50/50.

Guide to Blackouts

You wake up facedown, on a cold cement floor. The first thing you register is the gut-wrenching feeling in your stomach. You look around and realize you’re in a small stone cabin. Looking down you realize you’re wearing someone else’s clothes and you don’t know why. As you stumble to your feet you realize you are missing a shoe. It is nowhere in sight. Finding your way out of the cabin you realize you’re in even bigger trouble; the cabin is in the middle of the woods. You dig into the murky cloud of memories from the night before. The last thing you remember is smashing the bottom off a beer bottle to funnel Rubinoff. Then…blank. That’s right; you blacked the fuck out.

Don’t panic, blackouts aren’t anything to worry about. In fact, they can be pretty fun. And if you follow this helpful guide you’ll be laughing about this in no time. (Your friends are probably laughing about it already.) Unless you read this guide while blacked out…talk about a 1.75 liter of irony.

1. Smile. You probably just had an awesome night. No matter how many people you pissed off or regrettable things you did, odds are you had a blast doing it. At the very least you’ve probably earned yourself a funny story, even if you aren’t the best person to tell it.

Guide to Moving OUT OF a College Dorm

If you’ve followed my Guide to Moving INTO a College Dorm; congratulations! You are successfully in college. Chances are, sooner or later they are going to want you to leave. Follow this helpful guide for tips on a smooth move out. Most of these tips are based on my most recent move out in May.

1. Give yourself at least 24 hours to move out. You don’t want to rush anything.

2. Throw a going away party. The day before a move out is one of the best times to party because it doesn’t matter how trashed the place gets you’ll be gone in a day anyway. Take this opportunity to do all the things you had too much respect or good sense not to do during the year. These may include:

Telling the R.A. to “eat shit”.

Making a move on the engaged grad student.

Explaining to every girl that this is their last chance to get with you, even if they’ve never met you before.

And much much more!

3. The next morning you will be painfully hungover. The dorm will be an absolute train wreck. Crack a beer. This will have the benefit of eliminating your hangover and making the move much more entertaining. You may feel like you’d rather lick the dirty part of a dog’s asshole than ingest more of the substance that created the nauseous feeling in your stomach. Trust me. The first one is the hardest. After that it’s smooth sailing.

Guide to Moving INTO a College Dorm

As thousands of students mourn the end of summer and ready themselves for a new year of college, they are searching for a guide on how exactly to go about moving into a college dorm. What to bring, how to organize it, and how to arrange that perfect room are all concerns of the new crop of freshman. These tips are based on my personal experience moving in last January. Hopefully they help you make a smooth transition.

1. Bring booze. You don’t want to be scrambling around on day 1 trying to find a liquor store or worse, trying to find someone to buy you alcohol. The first day of school is not a time to get used to your new surroundings, it’s a time to get so fucked up you feel like you’ve been there for weeks. Alcohol is also a great way to get to know your new roommates. Because, really, who cares if you get along sober. Your drunk selves are the ones that will be spending all the time together anyway.

2. Let your parents help move you in. This is a great time to show them the room when it is clean and illegal substance free.

3. Enter the room at 1 PM to find your roommates are already shitfaced. Regret step 2.