Friday, August 5, 2011

Just Another Day

Inspired by True Events

First things first, have to hit that liquor store. You will probably have no idea what day it is as they tend to blend together at this point, but there are two things you are sure of. One, the hangover already decided that you will not be attending class today. Two, whether it’s a Monday or a Thursday its going to be a long one and the only way out is to pick up from where you left off, GET SHITFACED.

Fast forward to later that day. You probably won’t remember most of what happened anyway. Assume that you and your roommates possibly took a trip downtown. One of which probably told a girl he couldn’t shake her hand because he’s been licking his all day. You and your friends probably drank a few beers in public areas and blatantly discarded them for people to see along with yelling at girls about how great their boobs look in the dress they’re wearing. Somehow you got to where you are now. You and your roommates decided to throw a party and sent out a few hundred if not thousand invites. Excessive? Shut the fuck up and listen. You may only have a dorm room but break down facebook like this. People who say no mean fuck you and there will be a lot of them. People who say maybe mean they still want to be friends, but fuck you. People who say yes are on the fence and likely still 50/50.

The party will undoubtedly pick up. It will move along in steps. There will be an initial awkward phase. Not for you though, just for everyone showing up. The early comers are going to wonder why you and your roommates are so face shitting drunk before 6 pm. Then people will begin to pour in, which is a good thing. The shouting will be starting soon which will lead to the climax of the party. The beer pong tournament has most likely been reduced to nothing more than a table of empty beer filled cups. The flip cup game is going great, at least in the sense that people are chugging down booze, not in the sense of an actual game being played. This will be when the police and/or EMTs arrive. Shortly before their arrival someone probably yelled out something along the lines of, “DRINK THAT SHIT!” This is sure sign of a party and police can hear it from miles away. When the police do arrive it is important not to panic. You won’t remember it in the morning anyway so don’t fret now.

Just move everyone you can into other rooms and let the police yell at you. The ones you can’t will be the ones puking in the hall, passed out in the trash room, or throwing up on a bus home in front of the RA’s. When they call you guys out on having underage kids at the party there are 3 words to remember. Deny, deny, deny. Explain that you have never seen them before. They will know that you signed these kids in, but it’s not your responsibility to check their ids. If they say they’re 21 who are you to tell them otherwise. They won’t be impressed, but you won’t go to jail either. At least not this time, but be prepared because this is just the beginning. Any disgruntled parents that show up may look at you and your roommates with disgust and judgment. Ignore those glaring eyes and answer with a, “Go fuck yourself!” Who are they to judge you? What kind of responsible parent would let their child hang out with you and your roommates anyway? Wait until the police have left and then burst out into laughter at how pathetic they all are.

When you wake up in the morning refrain from asking yourself what the fuck happened yesterday. That’s in the past and won’t come back to bite you in the ass until you run into the same police tonight. Now get ready, you’re getting arrested…

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