If you’ve followed my Guide to Moving INTO a College Dorm; congratulations! You are successfully in college. Chances are, sooner or later they are going to want you to leave. Follow this helpful guide for tips on a smooth move out. Most of these tips are based on my most recent move out in May.
1. Give yourself at least 24 hours to move out. You don’t want to rush anything.
2. Throw a going away party. The day before a move out is one of the best times to party because it doesn’t matter how trashed the place gets you’ll be gone in a day anyway. Take this opportunity to do all the things you had too much respect or good sense not to do during the year. These may include:
Telling the R.A. to “eat shit”.
Making a move on the engaged grad student.
Explaining to every girl that this is their last chance to get with you, even if they’ve never met you before.
And much much more!
3. The next morning you will be painfully hungover. The dorm will be an absolute train wreck. Crack a beer. This will have the benefit of eliminating your hangover and making the move much more entertaining. You may feel like you’d rather lick the dirty part of a dog’s asshole than ingest more of the substance that created the nauseous feeling in your stomach. Trust me. The first one is the hardest. After that it’s smooth sailing.
5. Put the finishing touches on the repair to the giant hole in the wall. You may be thinking, is the day you’re leaving really the best time to do this? Shouldn’t we have fixed this hole months ago? To that I say; you’re ugly and your mother dresses you funny. If you fix the hole too early it will just get broken again. There is nothing more tempting to an alcohol fueled fist than the crisp gleam of a freshly patched wall. At 7PM “We used plywood instead of drywall so it’s stronger than ever” is a conversation point. At 2AM it’s a challenge.
6. Finally get down to packing up your shit. There’s no reason to view this as work though. You can use this opportunity as a game to gage how much fun you had this semester. There’s a few ways to score this game. How many empty liquor bottles you find. How many articles of female clothing you find. Name that stain. Come up with a system that suits you, don’t let me limit the fun. If packing still isn’t fun, repeat step 4 until it is.
7. Hopefully you’ve finished with enough time to enjoy everyone else moving out. Grab a seat outside to wave goodbye to everyone leaving, whether you know them or not. Their parents will look on in shock at how intoxicated you are. With any luck they’ll remember you from when they helped move in their kid, discrediting months of their child’s insistence that “people don’t usually get that drunk here”. This is the end of your vacation, enjoy it while you can.
8. For a number of reasons, bringing alcohol home with you is a great idea. Maybe you don’t have anyone to buy it for you while at home or maybe it’s just cheaper at school. Concoct a careful plan to smuggle the booze into your other luggage so your parents don’t notice how much alcohol you’re bringing home.
9. Become too drunk to care about your carefully laid plan. Blatantly pack the alcohol into your parents care. Try to stress the amount of money you are saving by buying a case of vodka instead of individual handles. They will miss the point.
10. Head home ready to tell the tale of your semester to your high school friends. It doesn’t really matter how much fun you had during the year, it’s how fun the year sounds when you tell them about it. An embellishment of 30% is allowed for all stories. But don’t make any up. Everyone can tell and then you just sound like a douche.
Happy vacation!
No comments:
Post a Comment