Monday, July 18, 2011

Guide to Moving INTO a College Dorm

As thousands of students mourn the end of summer and ready themselves for a new year of college, they are searching for a guide on how exactly to go about moving into a college dorm. What to bring, how to organize it, and how to arrange that perfect room are all concerns of the new crop of freshman. These tips are based on my personal experience moving in last January. Hopefully they help you make a smooth transition.

1. Bring booze. You don’t want to be scrambling around on day 1 trying to find a liquor store or worse, trying to find someone to buy you alcohol. The first day of school is not a time to get used to your new surroundings, it’s a time to get so fucked up you feel like you’ve been there for weeks. Alcohol is also a great way to get to know your new roommates. Because, really, who cares if you get along sober. Your drunk selves are the ones that will be spending all the time together anyway.

2. Let your parents help move you in. This is a great time to show them the room when it is clean and illegal substance free.

3. Enter the room at 1 PM to find your roommates are already shitfaced. Regret step 2.

4. Hide the appreciative smile you give them as you promise your parents they aren’t usually like this. Shrug and say hey, it’s the first day.

5. After you assure your parents it will be your most studious semester ever, dump all your bags in your room. Don’t unpack anything. Anything you unpack will probably just get destroyed in the drunken haze that is soon to follow. I know your thinking, come on, I have to at least make my bed. Don’t bother. In a few hours you’ll be too drunk to care where you pass out and there’s a 90% chance it won’t be in your bed. And any girl who’s dtf on the first day isn’t going to care what the hell your room looks like.

6. Did you follow step 1? Good. Pour your first drink. Make it a stiff one, you have some catching up to do.

7. Around 4 PM, rush into the hallway and vomit into the trash bin. A mother helping her daughter move in will eye you in horror. You will eye her daughter. As they walk away in disgust the daughter will try to explain that not all of the people here are like you. The mother will suggest she changes schools.

8. Keep your door open throughout the day. This is a good way to get to know your new neighbors. Don’t be afraid to shout at them as they pass to make sure your friendliness in heard.

9. Around 5 PM the R.A. will come to your room to address several complaints. It is good to get to know your R.A.’s on a personal level. The first day is a great time to develop a relationship that will last the whole semester. It’s important to start on the right foot.
She will say, “I’ve got several reports of you guys yelling at girls?”
Your roommate will assure her, “I haven’t had a drink all day.”
Eyeing the countless empty bottles, she will feel you are missing the point. Help show her you understand by shouting awkward and out of place compliments at her until she leaves.

10. Once you are good and drunk, make the rounds and introduce yourself to the neighbors that might not have been subjected to your shouted compliments earlier. The first day is the perfect time to do this because everyone still has nametags on their doors. Only knock on the doors of girls that have attractive sounding names. This will cause some debate among you and your roommates. Betty? Unattractive. Cindy? Attractive. Kelly? That’s a tricky one. But that’s a topic for a whole different post. If you can’t decide amongst yourselves whether the girl will be attractive air on the side of caution and knock anyway.

11. Invite all the girls who answer their doors to your party, whether you are having a party or not.

12. At some point go out and explore. Throw up in the snow. Chase the shuttle. Have fun.

13. Black out.

14. Wake up in the morning not in your bed. Chuckle and admit that I was right about tip 5. Feel foolish for ignoring me and making your bed, dick.

15. Actually unpack all your stuff. Chances are some of it will be missing or broken. If you actually need help with what else to bring (besides extra booze for the entire first week) or how to organize it, I can’t be of any help to you. You’ll have to find some real blog about real college stuff.

After you’ve gone to that blog and gotten your practical advice, come back here to check out the next post: Guide to Moving OUT OF a College Dorm. It’s more work than you think.
Any other tips for moving in? Share your knowledge in the comments below.

1 comment:

  1. "The most informative move in guide in years!"
    - CollegeLife

    "Rollicking good fun!"
    -Playbill

    "BLarrrgheeeghhhh"
    -Jim Duty, Rolling Stone

    ReplyDelete