Sunday, August 21, 2011

Guide To A Perfect Bender

A recurring theme in our posts has always been that there is never enough booze. For this particular one, however, I feel that it is important to reiterate. THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH BOOZE! The math for this is simple and may have been explained before. When pulling off a bender it is imperative that you and your friends get to the liquor store immediately to prepare. Benders are not easy to pull off with the amount of perfection achieved by some, but this guide will provide you and your friends with some tips to try and pull it off.
  1. The proper time to pull off a bender will always be a surprise and never happen when expected. A personal favorite is winning an award or tournament such as an Iron Chef contest or Family Feud tournament, just for example. Because these moments can strike at anytime, due to you and your bros being undoubtedly awesome, it is important to always have emergency booze on hand. This is equivalent to the amount of booze it will take to start drinking before and continue after the competition and get all of you fucked up. Usually a handle per person or the equivalent in beer is a good amount. No one is above having a box of wine and drinking from a soda can either. Cans are “conducive to violent hand gestures” and conceal booze in public areas.
  2. You and your roommates will arouse in the morning in a similar fashion to any other day but feel the need to start drinking. Use the remaining emergency booze to prepare road drinks and hit the liquor store. As you have already learned, buying in bulk is the only way to buy booze. Purchase by the case. Don’t get fancy because in a couple of hours all drinks will taste the same and that wave is going to ride out to the end of the week. The amount of booze needed is not always known, but speaking from experience it could take, oh, I don’t know, maybe, 12 handles of vodka, 80+ beers, and 3-4 boxes of wine to keep 5 to 6 guys drunk for the appropriate amount of time (5 day minimum). You will also have to restock the emergency booze in case this bender takes an unexpected turn which could include additional bendees and/or an extended period of time. In either case, another liquor run will be necessary and no one wants to get caught with their pants down.
  3. There will be plenty of time to party and hit the bars, and those will happen on their own regardless so turn your focus to more important things. Three days in and you’ve forgotten that you even have classes, not that it matters because your parents are probably paying for you to have zero responsibility and get shitfaced all the time, and one of your roommates has the nerve to say that he’s going to a noon class. All of you have been drinking since 8 a.m. and know better. It is important to encourage this behavior at first. Assure him that you and your friends will be taking the bus downtown and have no intention of dragging him along. Prepare road drinks for this outing as it tends to be a lot more fun hammered off your ass. Once you and your bros get to the bus stop it is time to tell your friend that he will not be going to class and that you will be going downtown to spend your school funded gift card to a local bar. This is an example of a possible prize of course, but it is the reason for the bender in the first place. The bar will most certainly be closed and you will have to go later, but luring your friend downtown without a road drink of his own is just fucking fun (not for him though). Be sure to wander and explore local shops while pissing people off. This objective will be best achieved when you find your local dollar store. Buy whistles for you and your friends. These will be useful because speaking from personal experience, no matter how loud you yell, whistles will always be more annoying. Head back at some point and start tanning. You and your boys have to look good for the bars tonight and you have a lot of drinking ahead. One of your friends will have too much drinking ahead and pull out a sweet line to drive away a girl who just wants to fuck. An example of such, “I just want to get to know you better.” This is a sure way for your friend to cock block himself and anyone interested in her friends, because when it comes down to it she just wanted to get to know his dick better.
  4. Another quick tip would be to collect some junk for free. After all, one man’s worthless mini-table with wheels is another man’s mobile bar. Tanning is no fun if you have to run in and out for drinks so buckle down and keep the bar outside where it can be fully utilized.
  5. The last advice to give is try to get some activity in somewhere around the middle of the week. The best option is to crash the intramural sports tournaments. Particularly volleyball. The supervisor isn’t going to let you compete of course, because let’s face it, you are way too drunk. So the best idea is to meet up with some old friends here, who possibly have more booze, and hit the gym with your buddy. You guys don’t want to start your catatonic break down so try and hit all the important muscles (Biceps and abs). After this is complete strap in and enjoy the ride.
The last couple days are up to you as no one ever seems to remember them or be able to distinguish one from the other. Getting face shitting drunk and unleashing havoc is the only known form of time travel. Unfortunately this time travel actually accelerates the aging process, but the good news is it gets you out of class. Well, you skip all your classes, so it doesn’t really get you out. Just have fun and do your best not to get arrested. But, if you do get arrested remember this; a good friend will bail you out, but a true friend will be sitting next to you waiting for the good friend to bail your drunken asses out.

1 comment:

  1. Can't wait to raise my benders to new heights because of this post. Campusriot has changed my life for the worse and I couldn't be happier!