Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Guide to Fake IDs

Holy shit, this school is fucking awesome. There are parties all the time and the beer flows like water. I’ll never be sick of this shit…
Welcome to freshman year. It’s a good time, one of the best times you’ll have in the much too short life vacation that is college. But at some point you realize that feeling up frat hoes while you drink the dregs of a keg of natty light isn’t all that college has to offer (Or getting felt up by frat boys for all our female readers…and taking jello shots instead of drinking natty, we know how you do baby). So you want to explore the 21 and up night life, you want to hit the bars, you want someone else to line up the shots celebrating your boys’ completion of the Escobar challenge*.
That right, you want a Fake ID.
Fake IDs are a must for any underage college student who wants to celebrate their liberation from the sober reality of home life. Don’t worry; this guide will help you use your new identity to its fullest potential. Like a hard dick at a pussy convention, you’ll be getting in everywhere.
1. Getting the ID
Unless you meet a guy on the street with a giant cardboard cutout that reads Nick Papageorgio, you’re probably going to need to find an older friend or family member to pass down their ID. Sure, there’s sites you can go to that will sell you an ID but they aren’t usually very reliable. One thing you need as a drunk 18 year old out on the town is reliability.
This guy read my guide...
The best way to get an ID is to have one handed down to you by a sibling or cousin. Not only will they probably look like you, but they better be giving it for free. That’s really the job of the older generation, to take care of their younger family members. You don’t want your little brother to go off into the college world cold and alone because he can’t get into those nice warm bars do you?
So you’ve got it, done deal right? Guide over peace out bitches.
Don’t be so ignorant. You can see there’s more writing. You know I’m still talking why would you think it’s over? I mean come on it’s a Guide to Fake IDs. Would I really make a guide with only one step? Get your head out of your ass and keep reading.
2. Using the ID
This is where things get tricky. I’ve seen many a fine drinker turned away with their piss poor attempt at a license. You have to act the part. You don’t just have Gladys Munchin’s ID, you ARE Gladys Munchin, and you have a really lame name.
You have to know how to sell it. One of my friends got denied time after time because he couldn’t sell Casey Anthony a garbage disposal. Before the bouncer even had a chance to reject him he’d be coming up with excuses. “Oh I just got my hair cut.” Gladys Munchin doesn’t worry about her hair, why should you?
You also have to be careful not to use your ID at places other than the bar. The hair cut kid got caught shortly after that story because he tried to use the ID to get signed into an underage dorm, while holding an open container. When he finally got the hang of using his fake and actually got into a bar, he was quickly kicked out for bragging about it…in front of a bartender.
I myself accidently gave my fake to a cop. Whoops. The difficulty with using a fake ID properly is that it is associated with drinking. And drinking is associated with doing stupid shit.
So good luck all you youngins. I hope to see you at the bars soon. Unless you’re under 18 then stay away I don’t need another [Content deleted pending the results of an ongoing case].

*The Escobar Challenge involves punching someone in the face, throwing up, and getting laid all in one night. Leave a comment if you'd like to stake a claim to this title as no one has currently completed it. Not even Escobar.
**No Gladys Munchins were hurt in the writing of this post. Unless any exist, they might not have felt too good about some things that were said.

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