Guide to Fake IDs

Holy shit, this school is fucking awesome. There are parties all the time and the beer flows like water. I’ll never be sick of this shit…

Welcome to freshman year. It’s a good time, one of the best times you’ll have in the much too short life vacation that is college. But at some point you realize that feeling up frat hoes while you drink the dregs of a keg of natty light isn’t all that college has to offer (Or getting felt up by frat boys for all our female readers…and taking jello shots instead of drinking natty, we know how you do baby). So you want to explore the 21 and up night life, you want to hit the bars, you want someone else to line up the shots celebrating your boys’ completion of the Escobar challenge*.

That right, you want a Fake ID.

Fake IDs are a must for any underage college student who wants to celebrate their liberation from the sober reality of home life. Don’t worry; this guide will help you use your new identity to its fullest potential. Like a hard dick at a pussy convention, you’ll be getting in everywhere.

Why NOT to Buy a Girl a Drink

This seems like such a weird concept. You might be asking yourself, how do I get into her pants if I don’t buy her a drink first? Before I go further I would like to extend an apology to our female readers, mainly because everything will be true.

I want you to put your drink down, clear your head, and think for a minute. How many times have you fucked a girl that you approached at the bar, and she asked you to buy her a drink? It’s funny how when you think about it that number always seems to be zero.

I’m not saying when at a classy place you shouldn’t have a drink sent to a girl to break the ice before the approach. That’s an acceptable way to test the waters, because no one likes cold water. But this is college and those places are a bit past our grasp just now. Going down to your favorite dive bar in rape alley isn’t exactly going to the lounge at the Four Seasons.

Guys need to remember that it’s ladies choice out there. It’s a girl’s choice if she wants to fuck around, and it’s a man’s duty to get chosen as often as he can. Women also know that it’s a pretty good deal for them if they rent out their ass for some grinding if they can solicit a drink in the process. That’s why when approaching a girl it’s important to pick those that already have their own drink. Most girls go out in packs with the intention of cock blocking one another and getting drunk. Best way to do this is to get guys to buy them drinks and leave them blue balled at the bar.

Your Bar Can SMD (Scan My iDentification)

I’m not what you might call a “worldly” person. In general I don’t give a shit what’s going on in the news, who is killing who, or what new political agenda is passing because really none of it affects my life. Any news that I actually need to know about will be a major alert that streams down the bottom of the TV screen while I’m jerking it to the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Hurricane hitting the east coast? Stock up on booze we’ve got a long weekend ahead of us.

But I did happen to be reading the newspaper the other day and I came across an article that will definitely affect my life. In fact, it spells doom for all enthusiastic drinkers. New scanner technology is letting bars share information about us when they check our IDs. So every time your ID gets scanned, they get whatever information any other bar has shared about you. Whether you get into fights, how well you tip, how many fat girls you go home with. They can then use that information to decide whether or not they want to let you in, regardless of whether you’ve ever set foot in their bar before. Get kicked out of a bar for shoving an off-duty cop: get denied at the bar down the road. Fucking. Bullshit.

Guide To A Perfect Bender

A recurring theme in our posts has always been that there is never enough booze. For this particular one, however, I feel that it is important to reiterate. THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH BOOZE! The math for this is simple and may have been explained before. When pulling off a bender it is imperative that you and your friends get to the liquor store immediately to prepare. Benders are not easy to pull off with the amount of perfection achieved by some, but this guide will provide you and your friends with some tips to try and pull it off.

1. The proper time to pull off a bender will always be a surprise and never happen when expected. A personal favorite is winning an award or tournament such as an Iron Chef contest or Family Feud tournament, just for example. Because these moments can strike at anytime, due to you and your bros being undoubtedly awesome, it is important to always have emergency booze on hand. This is equivalent to the amount of booze it will take to start drinking before and continue after the competition and get all of you fucked up. Usually a handle per person or the equivalent in beer is a good amount. No one is above having a box of wine and drinking from a soda can either. Cans are “conducive to violent hand gestures” and conceal booze in public areas.
2. You and your roommates will arouse in the morning in a similar fashion to any other day but feel the need to start drinking. Use the remaining emergency booze to prepare road drinks and hit the liquor store. As you have already learned, buying in bulk is the only way to buy booze. Purchase by the case. Don’t get fancy because in a couple of hours all drinks will taste the same and that wave is going to ride out to the end of the week. The amount of booze needed is not always known, but speaking from experience it could take, oh, I don’t know, maybe, 12 handles of vodka, 80+ beers, and 3-4 boxes of wine to keep 5 to 6 guys drunk for the appropriate amount of time (5 day minimum). You will also have to restock the emergency booze in case this bender takes an unexpected turn which could include additional bendees and/or an extended period of time. In either case, another liquor run will be necessary and no one wants to get caught with their pants down.

Just Another Day

Inspired by True Events

First things first, have to hit that liquor store. You will probably have no idea what day it is as they tend to blend together at this point, but there are two things you are sure of. One, the hangover already decided that you will not be attending class today. Two, whether it’s a Monday or a Thursday its going to be a long one and the only way out is to pick up from where you left off, GET SHITFACED.

Fast forward to later that day. You probably won’t remember most of what happened anyway. Assume that you and your roommates possibly took a trip downtown. One of which probably told a girl he couldn’t shake her hand because he’s been licking his all day. You and your friends probably drank a few beers in public areas and blatantly discarded them for people to see along with yelling at girls about how great their boobs look in the dress they’re wearing. Somehow you got to where you are now. You and your roommates decided to throw a party and sent out a few hundred if not thousand invites. Excessive? Shut the fuck up and listen. You may only have a dorm room but break down facebook like this. People who say no mean fuck you and there will be a lot of them. People who say maybe mean they still want to be friends, but fuck you. People who say yes are on the fence and likely still 50/50.

Guide to Blackouts

You wake up facedown, on a cold cement floor. The first thing you register is the gut-wrenching feeling in your stomach. You look around and realize you’re in a small stone cabin. Looking down you realize you’re wearing someone else’s clothes and you don’t know why. As you stumble to your feet you realize you are missing a shoe. It is nowhere in sight. Finding your way out of the cabin you realize you’re in even bigger trouble; the cabin is in the middle of the woods. You dig into the murky cloud of memories from the night before. The last thing you remember is smashing the bottom off a beer bottle to funnel Rubinoff. Then…blank. That’s right; you blacked the fuck out.

Don’t panic, blackouts aren’t anything to worry about. In fact, they can be pretty fun. And if you follow this helpful guide you’ll be laughing about this in no time. (Your friends are probably laughing about it already.) Unless you read this guide while blacked out…talk about a 1.75 liter of irony.

1. Smile. You probably just had an awesome night. No matter how many people you pissed off or regrettable things you did, odds are you had a blast doing it. At the very least you’ve probably earned yourself a funny story, even if you aren’t the best person to tell it.

Guide to Moving OUT OF a College Dorm

If you’ve followed my Guide to Moving INTO a College Dorm; congratulations! You are successfully in college. Chances are, sooner or later they are going to want you to leave. Follow this helpful guide for tips on a smooth move out. Most of these tips are based on my most recent move out in May.

1. Give yourself at least 24 hours to move out. You don’t want to rush anything.

2. Throw a going away party. The day before a move out is one of the best times to party because it doesn’t matter how trashed the place gets you’ll be gone in a day anyway. Take this opportunity to do all the things you had too much respect or good sense not to do during the year. These may include:

Telling the R.A. to “eat shit”.

Making a move on the engaged grad student.

Explaining to every girl that this is their last chance to get with you, even if they’ve never met you before.

And much much more!

3. The next morning you will be painfully hungover. The dorm will be an absolute train wreck. Crack a beer. This will have the benefit of eliminating your hangover and making the move much more entertaining. You may feel like you’d rather lick the dirty part of a dog’s asshole than ingest more of the substance that created the nauseous feeling in your stomach. Trust me. The first one is the hardest. After that it’s smooth sailing.